Conversations about what’s hurt them

The Path Back to Relationship is Paved with Words

One Another Project Conversations about what's hurt them, Reconciliation

Words can be cheap, for sure. But words spoken from the heart can also be unbelievably powerful, either to destroy relationships or to build them back up.

words of reconciliation

Remember this little ditty from your childhood?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Our parents and teachers told us this when we were feeling hurt by a verbal assault from some small-brained, uncaring bully. I suppose the thinking was that all of us are way too strong to let “mere words” hurt us. The problem with that, of course, is that it is just not true. All of us…ALL OF US…feel the sting of harsh words spoken by someone who matters to us. It is the way we are wired. And it bears witness to the power of words, both to build up and to destroy.

This reality is never truer than in the area of reconciliation. When relationships are broken and healing is needed, the way back will always require conversation, which means words. We can try healing broken relationships with plenty of other things, including acts of service and hugs and quality time spent together…and all of those are good…but, ultimately, there will need to be more than these things.

There is a story in the Bible about a people whom God loved but who broke their relationship with him through their own unfaithfulness. One of their prophets showed them the way back to God with this encouragement: “Take words with you and return to the Lord.” Hosea 14:2. God wired us in such a way that any genuine reconciliation of relationships will necessarily require us to first ponder what we need to say to mend the relationship, and then to say it.

My pastor, Don Guthrie, beat me to the punch on this point regarding this same passage earlier this week here. Here is how he said it:

“Take words with you”, says the prophet. Consider and prepare what you will say. No easy or irresponsible “sorry” will be accepted. Own what you have done. If you don’t know what to say, you are not ready. The way back is paved with words.

If I could say it better than that I would. But I cannot. His words say it perfectly. That, you see, is the power of words.

© Christian Unity Ministries

Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on this website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Christian Unity Ministries. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: © Christian Unity Ministries. Website: oneanotherproject.com.

A Cliffhanger: Where We Learn to Reconcile

One Another Project Conversations about what's hurt me, Conversations about what's hurt them, Reconciliation apologize, brothers, children, Egypt, Esau, family, forgiveness, Genesis 33, Jacob, Joseph, punish, reconciliation

One of the most important skills we can demonstrate to the children in our lives is how to reconcile in a way that actually transforms a relationship.

family forgiveness

The number one indicator of how I am most likely to respond to conflict in my adult life is how I saw conflict responded to by the adults in my childhood. While that statistic is interesting to us in terms of how we respond to conflict, it is also a little scary to us when we realize its application to the children in our lives. Their getting to watch how we confess and apologize and forgive, i.e., how we reconcile, is critical to their own relational health.

There is a terrific example of this in the story of Joseph in the Bible (the Old Testament Joseph, not the New Testament one). His brothers hate him, plot to kill him, and then opt to just sell him into slavery instead. They come home from that adventure and tell their father Joseph has been killed by a wild animal. Through a pretty amazing series of God-ordained circumstances, Joseph ends up in Egypt and, over time, rises in social status from slave all the way up to becoming one of the most powerful men in Egypt (second only to Pharaoh). The plot twist in the story is when Joseph’s brothers then find themselves kneeling before him, begging for food, and they don’t even recognize him. Joseph is then confronted with a whopper of a decision: to punish them or to reconcile with them.

If it were a television series, this would be the end of a season. The cliffhanger we would wait all Summer to resolve would be this question hanging in the air: will he punish or will he forgive? Indeed, even in the real life version, considerable time would pass before Joseph makes that decision. He actually sends most of them back home to retrieve their youngest brother, while Joseph keeps one of the brothers in his prison. Months, perhaps even years would pass (all during the offseason of our television series).

The new television season opens in an unexpected time and place. We are some 40 years earlier in time, and we are not in Egypt. We are at the scene of two other brothers who have been estranged due to hatred and are about to cross each other’s paths for the first time in 20 years. The scene is tense. Will it be battle or will it be something else? Here is the way the Bible describes it:

Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming with his four hundred men. He divided the children between Leah and Rachel and the two maidservants. He put the maidservants out in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. He led the way and, as he approached his brother, bowed seven times, honoring his brother. But Esau ran up and embraced him, held him tight and kissed him. And they both wept. Genesis 33:1-4 (The Message)

The scene is riveting. Jacob and his 12 children and their 4 different mothers all standing fearfully to see how Esau (and his 400 men) would react. But the Bible then does the literary equivalent of a camera zoom in on only one of the children. Only one is mentioned specifically by name: Joseph. And, in our television production, as the camera frames Joseph’s eager eyes watching his father reconcile with Uncle Esau, those child’s eyes morph into adult eyes of Joseph 40 years later, pondering how to respond to his long-estranged brothers.

The story leaves little doubt about what forces must have come to play within Joseph as he pondered his choice. And it illustrates beautifully the impact it has on our children when they witness how we reconcile with one another.

We all have our own stories of broken relationships, especially within family. We all have cliffhangers where the miraculous potential for reconciliation hangs in the balance. And we have choices to make in the midst of those cliffhangers; choices that not only impact our relationships, but which impact relationships in future generations. This is true because little eyes are watching. And learning. From us. Always.

© Christian Unity Ministries

Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on this website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Christian Unity Ministries. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: © Christian Unity Ministries. Website: oneanotherproject.com.

Confession and the Importance of Being Right

One Another Project Conversations about what's hurt them, Reconciliation brother, confession, family, father, Jesus, luke 15, pain, reconciliation, relationship, son

Nothing says, “I value this relationship” quite like confession and surrender.

We are living in a culture of advocacy and tribal contention. If watching the news or listening to talk radio or reading through your social media feeds makes you angry or frustrated, that is probably the reason. We are literally inundated with voices screaming for their tribe and advocating for their issue. Among the fatalities in such a culture are meaningful relationships, both old and new. For you see, having the kinds of conversations that actually make relationship meaningful is completely counter-cultural in this setting. And among those conversations that actually make relationships healthy, none is more counter-intuitive than honestly and genuinely dealing with how we have hurt someone. We call that “confession”. And, oh boy, do we struggle with it.

Jesus told a story about a rebellious son who left home abruptly, breaking his father’s heart. After that son came to the end of his rope (and came to his senses), he decided to go back home and salvage whatever he could salvage of his relationship with his father. He prepared to have a conversation about the pain he knew he had caused the father. His “confession” is a model way to start such a conversation:

When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: ‘Father, I’ve sinned against God, I’ve sinned before you; I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again. Luke 15:20-21 (The Message)

Notice some of the key elements of his confession. First, he worked to see the truth about what he had done, seeing it the same way God saw it. Second, he also worked to see the pain through the eyes of the person he had hurt. Third, he fully accepted whatever the consequences of his wrongdoing might be, no matter how harsh or unfair they might have seemed: I don’t deserve to be called your son ever again. But, most importantly, he demonstrated from his heart that it was more important to him to be in a right relationship with his father than to be right. This rebellious son had a complete change of heart and chose to surrender completely to the relationship rather than to hold onto any notion of being right or of winning.

The model for us is clear. When the time comes for us to have a hard conversation about what has hurt the other person in our relationship, we have a hard decision to make. Ultimately, we have to decide what is more important: being right or being in right relationship. Choosing the relationship over our prideful needs proves to the other person how important they are to us. Think about how different our culture would be with just a hint of this kind of attitude toward our relationships with one another. More importantly, think about how different our families would be if this were both valued and taught.

Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on this website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Christian Unity Ministries. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: © Christian Unity Ministries. Website: oneanotherproject.com.

Listening is a Matter of the Heart

One Another Project Conversations about what's hurt me, Conversations about what's hurt them, Reconciliation conversations, heart, humility, ideology, listening, Luke 5, pain, political, reconciliation, relationships, social media

More times than not, our inability to converse in a healthy way has more to do with the condition of our heart than with the quickness of our mind. Genuine listening is a tremendous gift.

I am worn out and worn down by the ugly, shrill voices filling social media channels today. Maybe you are as well. It is difficult to imagine living in a more divided world. But we would be mistaken to chalk it up to a mere division in ideologies. It is not just that. Much more than that, it is a complete brokenness in our ability to converse with one another. To put an even finer point on the problem, it is our really, really poor listening skills. Our culture is losing its ability to approach a difficult conversation with any real ability to listen well. We have been too busy honing our abilities to make a compelling and persuasive argument.

I do this all the time. As someone is talking (or writing or otherwise communicating), I immediately begin “listening” for their bias or agenda. As soon as I conclude I have found it, I stop listening and start preparing my response. If you are totally honest, you will admit that you do it as well. It is a “contentiousness” in my heart, and it springs up out of my own arrogance and pride. At that point, I can act as if I am listening, but I likely cannot not hide the fact that my heart is not listening at all. My true way of being makes genuine listening impossible.

Jesus warned us about this problem in our human condition:

“It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this I-know-better-than-you mentality again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your own part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

“You don’t get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It’s who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds. Luke 5:41-45 (The Message)

Please know that this problem doesn’t just surface in our Facebook comments, and it is much, much more than merely a political or ideological problem. It happens in our closest relationships as well, especially those family relationships which are damaged or broken because of some unresolved pain or issue. In those instances, we are prone to approach every conversation with a contentious heart. We have something important we want to communicate and, frankly, “listening” is simply not very high on our list of priorities. Or, maybe we enter the conversation with an intent to listen well but then our “button” gets pushed and our heart immediately hardens.

Irrespective of how quickly or easily we get there, the problem is very clearly NOT just about our inability to have a conversation. The problem is with our heart. We cannot connect (which is critical in any relationship) because we cannot listen. We cannot listen, because our heart is at war with the other person. Being able to have difficult conversations IN ANY ARENA–but most certainly in relationships that matter most to us–requires that we fully embrace the humanity of the person on the other side of the conversation. It requires that we listen for his/her pain and truly understand it. Really listening requires that we put that pain on and walk with it a while, just to make sure we understand it. Listening requires me to think a little less of myself and how superior I am to them, and rather to give them the benefit of my doubt and assume that they are not the complete fool I may think they must be. It requires the humility on my part to admit I may have misjudged them. That is a tall order for me. But so very worth it when I get it right.

Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format provided that you do not alter the wording in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. For web posting, a link to this document on this website is preferred. Any exceptions to the above must be approved by Christian Unity Ministries. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: © Christian Unity Ministries. Website: oneanotherproject.com.